Before You Say...
Before you say you want to love me,
understand my love is,
Glances of my recognition, and touches of my reassurance. It is you asking me a question, and me reminding myself that silence is not meant to be used as a weapon for war rather, a tool for peace. It is apologies, it is growth.
To love me is a dance,
It is a, “which tune has Vanessa decided to move to today”? A, “where will the wind blow her tomorrow”? I simply ask that you will learn this dance, or teach me your own. If you are unable, then join the others in watching me from a distance.
My stubbornness is honey beneath a bare foot. It is a, “what is that? How did that get there”, a “let’s clean this up”. Bothersome for a second but laughter to follow up.
I blame it on being the eldest daughter, the only girl, but truly, even if I was not, this honey would still find its way to the floor.
My propensity towards solitude is one that announces itself at dawn. Selfish to some but truly it is a protective service to others. My get away, to get away from fleshly inclinations that would make you want to get away. My alone time ensures you get the best of me dear.
Understand I love myself a lot. Not in the way that carries a mirror as she walks, or that belittles others as she talks. I love myself simply because it is I who knows me best. I am my own safest hide away apart from the shadow of my Father’s wing.
Simultaneously, I am awfully aware of myself, pouring out raindrops of, “yes, I know”, and, “I’m sorry, I am working on that”.
I am a museum of unfinished work, breaking in to finish my projects when everyone is distracted.
In the same light, I am aware of you also. I have a doctorate in studying you, from the school of my childhood, the professor being loneliness. I can read you like my favorite book, and listen to you like my favorite orator. Your body language deeming me a polyglot.
If I am safe with you, you are safe with me.
We will make a home around our understanding,
and fence it with the will of the Lord.
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