A Woman & Her Desire For Control.
God, what do I do with this deep desire for control that resides in me? As a woman, I have been told that it is wrong to feel such emotions. I try to silence it, to keep it tucked away deep within my soul, I promise I do. But, without my permission, it leaks out of me, making itself known in the most undesirable times. I have thought that maybe if I keep this desire fed, maybe then it will be tamed. I was wrong, the more I feed it with my denial, the stronger it grows.
I have tried to keep it contained, to sort of pretend like it doesn’t exist. “Meekness, meekness, meekness”, I repeat to myself, “remain meek Vanessa”. But Father, there’s an itch, one that can never be pleased. There is a twitch, a twitch I can’t seem to hide well. It is especially evident in times when I feel like someone is trying to control me. The need to regain my control awakens from her light slumber, and makes her way through my mind. Crippling me with fear, panic, disdain.
“Control, before they control you”.
“Figure them out, before they figure you”.
Bombard them with questions, throw them off with sarcasm, annoy them with vagueness. Just do anything to neutralize the power dynamic. Alas, a strong wave of conviction consumes me, stopping me in my tracks, bringing me to my knees in surrender. “God, I have done it again”, I say, defeatedly.
A constant cycle of dying to my flesh, a constant reminder of what is written in Matthew 26: 41. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak”. It is in this place when I am fighting my craving for control, where I am reminded of Eve. God’s judgement to her after she had sinned against Him was that her desire would be for her husband, yet her husband would rule over her. Thus, signaling the beginning of an ongoing battle between man and woman for the upper hand. It was sin that brought about this desire for control, and it is the remnant of sin that causes it to remain. I must turn away from this sin Father. I prayed for God to take this control away from me, yet, I prayed with one eye open. My heart and mind running in opposite directions.
I have felt the weight of this punishment, constantly reminded of it whenever God calls my name, “daughter, why are you still holding onto that desire when I asked you to lay it down? Hand over that control to Me”.
Reluctantly, I laugh.
“What control Father? Haha, I have long relinquished it to You”, as I sweat profusely.
But God sees it, even if no one else can. God sees the little things I do to try to maintain control. The burning I feel within when things do not go my way. The suffocation of a deep fear of being controlled by another, specifically, a man. Well, only, a man!
“Breathe”, God tells me, watching as panic begins to envelop me again.
I think I feel this way because I have seen it happen so frequently. This title of headship that God had entrusted to men has been abused, perverted, and manipulated, time and time again. Especially being from an immigrant household, African at that, leadership reeked of an odor called, “full control”. A stench of tyranny, a whiff of dictatorship. It meant, “do what I say because I say so”. It meant denying yourself of everything you ever were, saying goodbye to all of your dreams. Saying hello to becoming a shell of yourself, crying in the bathroom, then walking out to finish making a meal. It meant being covenanted to a man who was never taught how to love, let alone, like Christ loves the church. A man who was never required to love in order to receive what he desired.
Women having no say, no consideration of their needs or desires, no happiness in their marital home. Doing as they’re told, regardless of how they felt.
After seeing many women in situations like these, coming to church exhausted, no husband in sight, just them and their heap of children that they did not conceive alone. Playing both the mother and father role, I became tired of seeing Christian women is such conditions. “This is not God’s will for His daughters”, I shouted. I refused to follow in their footsteps.
It became a deep fear for me, causing me to become defiant to the thing God set in place to protect me. I never meant for it to get this bad, I never meant to stray so far from God’s ideal, I was just afraid, terrified of being handed over this fate as a gift from the women that came before me. “African aunties”, that title invokes so many different feelings. My heart breaks for the suffering they have put up with, yet my heart hardens for the suffering they have convinced their daughters to remain in. Perpetuating patterns that they were never bold enough to break themselves. Why do they not want better for us?
Anyways, sorry, I digress. (That is a story for another day, hehe).
The lovely thing about our Father above is that He welcomes our honesty, truly. He wants the best for His daughters, He does not want us to be living in pain or fear. Do not let the actions of man dictate who God is to you. He is God and God alone, His character shall not be stained by human flaw.
Be honest with Him.
“God, I know you have called me to submit, I want to do that Father, but, I just have this fear in me. Can I give this to you?”.
I truthfully desire God’s order, where God is the head, the husband is submitted to God, and the wife, submitted to her husband. (Yes ladies, I said it. Your sis wants to submit to her husband, please don’t cry for me haha, this is where I want to be okay).
My prayer to God is that He will send the right man, a man I can carry out God’s order with, without fear and pain. Without becoming like the immigrant mothers (not all of them are unhappy though). I prayed to God to protect me, so that I no longer feel the need to protect myself. He promised me He would, that I am safe from the pretenders, the decoys and counterfeits, the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
I know when the day comes, I will sing loudly to my Lord, for He has done it for me. I will submit without fear, surrender without withholding, and commit without reluctance. I will be loved like how Christ loves the church, and this desire for control will find no need to remain here, because love will live here in its place.
I know God will give me that, I have wrestled with Him long enough. He can give that to you as well, if only you trust Him to.
*A note to my sisters in Christ:
Ladies, God understands our fears concerning marriage/ submitting. He sees how the enemy has perverted this good thing He made. Be open and honest with God about those fears. Tell Him what you saw/ experienced that made you afraid. Allow Him into that void, and let Him reassure you with His love for you. Submitting is not a bad thing, rather, it is beautiful when done God’s way. Trust God for the right partner, and pray to God that you also will be the right partner for them. With love, always, Nessa. <3
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